Bangkok Blueprint - Your Easy City Guide
Bangkok: A Funny & Chaotic Love Affair That Ruins Your Sweat Glands Forever
Let's be honest, Bangkok is a city that will lovingly assault all your senses simultaneously, leave you dripping in sweat you didn't know your body could produce, and somehow still have you planning your return visit before you've even left. This magnificent mess of a metropolis is everything all at once: chaotic yet spiritual, ancient yet futuristic, refined yet wonderfully sleazy.
Many people love the Big Mango, but some hate it. The food may be delicious, the temples gorgeous, the shopping divine and the people lovely, but to be fair it's not all roses. The enormous crowds, the unbearable heat, the suffocating air pollution and the incessant noise may get to you. Anyway, you'll have to figure out your love -hate relationship yourselves.
How Long To Stay?
Four days is the sweet spot for Bangkok: enough time to see the highlights without developing the thousand-yard stare that comes from one too many tuk-tuk rides through gridlocked traffic. That said, I've seen tourists arrive planning a two-day stopover and still be there three weeks later, now fluent in Thai curse words and suspiciously comfortable eating insects.
Mind you, four days is just an arbitrary number. Some will need more, others less. Good news is that you can always stay longer or get our of Dodge sooner if needed, so problem solved. Most people start and finish their trip in Bangkok anyway, so the number of days is flexible.
Where To Stay (And How Much Your Wallet Will Cry)
Budget ($10-30/night): Khao San Road and nearby Rambutri are backpacker central. Expect thin walls, cold showers, and stories you'll be telling at parties for years. You'll wake up to the sound of someone returning from their night out at 6am, just as you're heading out for temple viewing.
However, Khao San Road is not what it used to be. In the last decade, numerous mid-range and boutique hotels were added nearby the river, so don't rule out this crazy area without a thought. It is, after all, very close to Rattanakosin, the center of most sightseeing. Prices skirt mid-range though.
Mid-range ($30-80/night): Sukhumvit offers excellent value hotels with actual soundproofing and air conditioning that doesn't sound like a jet engine with asthma. It's also ground zero for zealous shoppers and sexypats alike, and in a state of near constant gridlock. Convenient public transport is available though. Bear all of that in mind when booking.
Areas around Asok and Phrom Phong also give you access to the BTS Skytrain, meaning you can avoid the traffic that makes every Bangkok cab driver contemplate their life choices.
Luxury ($80-300+/night): Riverside hotels like the Peninsula or Mandarin Oriental offer stupendous views and the serenity needed after a day navigating Bangkok's beautiful chaos. Here, you can watch the sunset over the Chao Phraya River while sipping an overpriced cocktail and feeling superior to the backpacking scum sweating it out on Khao San.
Your 4-Day Bangkok Adventure (Flexible and Adaptable)
Day 1: Classic Bangkok
Morning: Start at the Grand Palace (it's never closed) which houses the famous Wat Phra Kaew (Temple of the Emerald Buddha). Arrive at 8:30am to slightly reduce the chance of melting in the heat. Remember that "appropriate temple attire" means no shorts or tank tops, though watching tourists frantically buy overpriced sarongs after being denied entry provides free entertainment even though easy rentals are available inside the grounds.
Afternoon: Visit next door Wat Pho to see the Reclining Buddha, which at 46 meters long is basically the Godzilla of Buddhas. Get a traditional Thai massage at the massage school on the premises where trained professionals will contort your body in ways you didn't know were possible and occasionally make you wonder if you've insulted them in a past life. Warranty not included. You can even add Wat Arun to your adventure if you still have the stamina and aren't completely wasted by then.
Evening: Head to Chinatown (Yaowarat) for a street food safari. The rule here is: if there's a line of locals, join it. If a place has tablecloths, it's for tourists. Your stomach may protest tomorrow, but your taste buds will thank you today. If you have no energy left for all of that, just drag yourself downstairs to the nearest bar or restaurant and improvise.
Day 2: Culture & Chaos
Morning: Take a longtail boat through the canals (khlongs) of Thonburi for glimpses of local life. Wave at children who will excitedly wave back while their grandmothers do laundry in murky water you're trying not to fall into.
Afternoon: Shop till you drop at Chatuchak Weekend Market (if it's the weekend) or MBK Center (any day). Haggling is expected, but remember that arguing for 10 minutes to save 50 cents makes you both a champion negotiator and possibly a monster.
Evening: Hit up Sukhumvit Soi 11 for dinner and drinks. Start classy at Above Eleven rooftop bar, end less classy at one of the area's many nightclubs where the music is so loud you'll develop a new form of sign language to communicate with your friends.
Day 3: Off the Beaten Path
Morning: Visit the Jim Thompson House to see how one American spy/silk merchant lived in style before mysteriously disappearing in Malaysia. The house is a masterpiece of traditional Thai architecture, and the gift shop will tempt you to spend your entire vacation budget on silk scarves.
Afternoon: Explore Lumpini Park, Bangkok's green lung, where you might spot massive monitor lizards casually strolling around like they own the place (they kind of do). Watch elderly Thai people doing tai chi with more grace than you'll ever possess. Sip a fancy boba or a street coffee.
Evening: Experience Bangkok's high life at one of the famous sky bars. At Lebua State Tower (The Hangover II filming location), you'll pay approximately one month's rent for a cocktail but get Instagram photos that will make your friends back home temporarily hate you.
Day 4: Local Immersion
Morning: Take a cooking class (if you're not too hungover from the wild night before) and learn that authentic Thai food involves approximately 47 more ingredients than the version you make at home. Your pad Thai will never taste the same again.
Afternoon: Visit the Bangkok Art and Culture Centre for a dose of contemporary Thai creativity, followed by retail therapy at Siam Paragon if your credit card still has any life left in it.
Note: If you're not into cooking or art, visit the Three-Headed Elephant and the Ancient city in nearby Samut Prakan.
Evening: End your trip with a Muay Thai boxing match at Rajadamnern Stadium. Even if combat sports aren't your thing, the electric atmosphere and ritual aspects will make you feel like you're witnessing something ancient and significant while also watching someone get kicked in the face.
Possible Extra Day Trips
If you've got an extra day or two or three:
Ayutthaya: Explore ancient temple ruins in Thailand's old capital. It's like a smaller, less crowded Angkor Wat where you can rent bicycles and pretend you're Indiana Jones, if Indiana Jones suffered from heat stroke.
Floating Markets: Wake up at an ungodly hour to visit Damnoen Saduak or Amphawa floating markets. Yes, they're touristy (maybe even tourist traps), but watching elderly women paddle boats loaded with fruit while simultaneously cooking noodles requires a level of coordination we should all aspire to. For those screaming TOURIST TRAP, DON'T GO, just chill. Let everyone decide for themselves.
Koh Kret: River island in Nonthaburi, which is basically Greater Bangkok. Get a taxi (or public transport mix of Skytrain, van, bus and tricycle) to the pier, hop on a ferry and Bob's your uncle. Best and busiest time to visit is the weekend.
Kanchanaburi: Visit the Bridge over the River Kwai and associated WWII sites. Historical, moving, and far enough from Bangkok that your sweat might actually dry occasionally.
Final Words of Wisdom
Bangkok operates on its own timeline and logic. Plans will fall apart, you'll get lost, your feet will hurt, and you'll wonder why you didn't just go to a nice beach instead. Then, out of nowhere, you'll find yourself in a perfect moment, maybe watching the sunset gild a temple spire, or sharing a laugh with a street vendor, or being called hansum man by a local damsel, or discovering the perfect mango sticky rice and you'll understand why this maddening city captures so many hearts. And why not learn some basic Thai phrases to make it even better?
Just remember to hydrate, wear sunscreen, and accept that your hair will never look good while you're here (if you have any left). Bangkok doesn't care about your appearance, and that's part of its charm. And if you don't like the hustle and bustle, change the activities or simply vamoosh to somewhere else. The sky is the limit.
PS: If anyone offers to take you to see a "ping pong show," just remember it is NOT a table tennis exhibition and say no. Some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. And don't fall for the most common scams!
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